Showing posts with label I. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I. Show all posts

Monday, August 21, 2017

Introversion Extroversion or Both in which I get my geek on


Before I launch into today's festival of nerdishness, I'd like to:
  1. Thank all the individuals, past and present, who have served in the United States military, and on this day, remember and honor those who gave their lives in the service of this country. Amidst the barbeque and the giddiness over the beginning of the summer season, let's take some time to remember the reason this day is a holiday.
  2. Thank each of you. Saturday was my six-month blogoversary, and since the end of last November, nearly 300 of you have become followers of this blog. I'm really touched by all your comments and participation, and I'll keep working hard to make The Strangest Situation worth your time.
NOW: Introversion vs. Extroversion.

On Friday, I asked you if you were one or the other or both. A significant majority of you (24 out of 37, or 65%), indicated you were introverts. Many of you used phrases like "100%" or "hands down", indicating you're quite definitely introverted. Several of you referenced your Myers-Briggs Type (I have GOT to do a post on that thing, and I will sometime this summer)--and they all started with "I".

Now, this shouldn't be surprising, right? Most of us are writers. And ... generally, writing is a pursuit that includes a lot of activity between the ears. Yes, to be good, you've got to get out of your own head and get others involved, but a lot of the process is solitary. In other words, we are NOT a randomly selected sample. If you polled individuals in the House of Representatives or actors on Broadway, you'd probably get a different result.

If any of you are wondering, yes, I am most definitely an introvert. When I was in college, I took Personality Psychology, and the professor handed out personality inventory results for the entire class (we'd all been assigned numbers, so no one was publicly outed or anything). But my number ... was on the extreme end of the continuum. According to that test, I was the most introverted person in that class of 40 people.

That doesn't mean I'm not socially skilled or don't enjoy being with other people. I do. I'm also quite a good public speaker, and I actually enjoy that kind of thing as long as I know what I'm talking about. However--I dislike parties and crowds. They wear me out quickly. I am easily overwhelmed by both the social expectations and the sensory stimulation. And in general, I am happiest when I have A LOT of alone time.

Many of you said very similar things. Quite a few of you were asking questions or stating you had tendencies toward both extraversion and introversion. In other words, you were saying you didn't fall neatly into either category. A lot of you were really trying to puzzle out "which one" you were--introvert or extrovert.

Now--if you are to believe a lot of these "personality type" tests, personality traits would be distributed like this:

This is a cute little bimodal distribution.

If this was the reality, most people fall into one category or another, and only a few people would fall in between. But is that the way things are?

No. Here's the way things are:


Personality traits like introversion-extroversion are normally distributed. MOST people fall somewhere in the middle (about 68%). In other words, if you randomly selected a hundred people from the general population and gave them a test that measured introversion-extroversion, only a few would come out as extremely introverted or extroverted.

Admittedly, if you take our little sample, our curve would probably look more like this:

This is an adorable positively skewed distribution.
As a group, we are probably more introverted than the general population. Even so, most of us will have scores that fall somewhere in between. We're not one or the other!

We're on a continuum.

 So! Don't feel bad if you couldn't figure out what type you are, or if you felt like you had qualities of both, or if you are an introvert in some situations/moods and not in others. I'm quite sure you're right. And if you think about this as a continuum, it might make it easier.

On Wednesday, I'll talk more about introversion-extroversion as it relates to social media.  But for today--does this make sense? Are you more comfortable thinking about introversion-extroversion (or any persoanlity trait) as a continuum rather than a category you have to fall into? Or do you feel more comfortable as a "type"?

Monday, August 14, 2017

I tried the antidepressant Mirtazapine and was soon trapped in a relentless dream about the Smurfs


Dear FDA,

The loony psychiatrist gave me a drug to sample that he said, if taken even in a small dose, would take care of my occasional insomnia and also perk up my spirits a bit. It is called Mirtazipine  Mirtazipone Mirtazapine (aka Remeron), and it messed my head up so badly I can no longer spell and now write love sonnets to Gargamel, the evil wizard from the Smurfs, in my spare time.

Write down "Mirtazapine" so that you NEVER TAKE IT, FDA officer! Is your name Gladys, or Bob? I would like to make this as personal as possible.

This drug is the most vile and evil poison since the invention of "roofies," "mickeys," and other potions favored by date rapists. I took 1/4 of a 15 mg pill Thursday night before bed. Within minutes, I was out colder than a whacked haddock and had started to dream about the fucking Smurfs. I was hanging out with Gargamel and his horrible cat Azriel. I wasn't even on the side of good! Gargamel's eyebrows sit on top of his misshapen skull like two fat black caterpillars. His hair is extremely oily.

Do you think I liked looking at this, Bob? Gladys? No! I did not.

"Jazz hands" would have looked a little less sinister, Gargamel. Just sayin'.
Note I say 1/4 of one pill. If I had taken the whole pill, I would probably have been swept into the Smurf Vortex FOREVER and Smurfette would be my best pal, and we would be texting each other some shit all the time, like about this Smurf and that Smurf, and how—oh God, this is all really horrible to contemplate.

I warn you, FDA officer, that this drug is bad news. At one point I woke up because one of my sons was crying, right in my ear. He was crying so hard he was blowing bubbles of snot. He gets growing pains in his legs and sometimes, at night, he wants them rubbed. I heard my husband groan: "Not again! I was up with him an hour ago."

I couldn't remember how to sit up. When I finally figured it out, I couldn't remember how to stand up. My legs looked like stuffed scarecrow legs, and I stared down at them stupidly. I tried to speak but all that came out was "wuh-no-no-no-no." I slumped back into the bed.

This time I had dreams in which I read entire books of 17th-century poetry, ate buttered toast from a giant toasting rack, and was allowed to visit the Smurf village and consort merrily with the Smurfs in fields of daisies. They seemed to accept me and forgave the fact I had so recently spent time with the wicked Gargamel (whom I missed, as he had been something of a father figure to me).

After sleeping and sleeping like the dead through noises of all kinds, and perhaps even a fire (who knows?), I finally awoke to a blistering headache and a hideous hungover feeling, as if I'd been up all night doing shots of Jagermeister. I spent all day feeling like hot, groggy poo, and nearly walking into walls. Plus I feel like the Smurfs may have stolen some of my IQ and are using it to brew new potions to tempt unwary depressives and anxiety sufferers.

I hate medications. 

Into the garbage with ye, Mirtazapine! Badbadbad poison. Smurf go 'way. Make a note of it, Gladys!

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Guest Post Writing About Your Family Lessons I Have Learned


Today’s guest post is written by Sharon Hicks, author of How Do You Grab a Naked Lady, a memoir about her life with her bipolar mother. I reviewed the book here. The best way to gain insight into yourself, in my opinion, is by learning about your family, even if what you learn is somewhat painful.

Sharon Hicks


A few years ago, I met with Mother’s psychiatrist, Dr. Amjadi, to ask him a few questions about my mother. I was writing Mother’s story. I wanted to know more about her. Why did he tell me years ago that she was obsessed with knowing the truth? Aren’t we all?  Is obsession a symptom of bipolar? She was diagnosed as manic-depressive with schizophrenic tendencies. What does that mean? Another psychiatrist told me: “Can’t be both.” Could it?

After a few hours of discussion, he said he was amazed that I was writing her story rather than entering a field like psychology or social work that might help me understand mental illness better. Many of the family members of mentally ill patients he had previously encountered had done that. Then, he suggested I make it my memoir: showing the differences between mother and daughter, mentioning the things I had done that mother couldn’t, describing our roles as mother/daughter, etc.

My story! Impossible. She was the colorful, sexy, crazy one; the one arrested over thirty-three times mainly for parading around town naked, in and out of mental hospitals, multiple shock treatments and meds. For Pete’s Sake! She drove around the island in her yellow GS Buick convertible (she named Goose Shit) with the top down, naked. Well, okay, she did wear a yellow Gucci scarf around her neck, but only to blow in the wind. She especially loved coming to a stop sign next to a truck or bus so they could look at her, naked. “Those people can be so stupid. Haven’t they seen a naked body before? Wow, the stop light; ever see anything so fucking red as a blinking red stop light!”  

But, now it was my story. Well, my life with mother: how she was crazy and I was perfect. Heck! I had proof. Mother’s police records, documentations, her audiotapes. And, my senior class voted me Most Ideal and Homecoming Queen. We were clearly opposites! I was determined to prove it.

I wasn’t prepared for the agonizing writing process. The crazy ride on the roller coaster of emotions. Laughing and crying. Pacing, fidgeting and then exhaustion.

I wasn’t prepared for the ending. After the writing, I loved her and connected with her in a way I never did before. After the writing, I learned that the best parts of me were also my mother’s best parts: her inquiring philosophical mind, her raw honesty, her free spirit. And I learned I was not perfect! 

Today, I wish I could reach out, hug her and whisper in her ear: “I can’t possibly understand, but I want you to know I am your biggest ally. I love you.” 

Mother would quote Erhard: “Understanding is the booby prize.” Then she would snicker: “Who gives a shit?”   

Then we both would laugh and eat her “fart” cookies.

#

Others ask me to share lessons I learned in writing my memoir. I don’t think any are hazardous, but some may be considered dangerous and scary, like diving into the deep end of a dark lagoon where the monsters live. You really don’t know what lurks in the darkness or crevices of your mind. Give up the fight to be right and know that “What you resist persists.” (Carl Jung) Once you face honesty in the face, humility bathes your body. And, you can shake hands with authenticity.

Lessons I have learned:

Be honest. With each event: what were you doing? Wearing? Thinking? Feeling? Be as honest as you can with each episode. Re-live it!  During the writing I paced, cried, panted, took deep breaths and ate dark chocolate. With your honesty, readers will relate whether they share the same experience or not, much like The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls, The Liars’ Club by Mary Karr or Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs.

A memoir (non-fiction) is written as a novel (fiction). Fiction has three parts: The Set Up/Climax/Resolution. A movie producer interested, asked me quickly: “What is Act 1?” I answered: “Growing up with crazy/manic Mother.”  “Act 2?” “Marrying squeaky clean proving I am nothing like Mother.” “Act 3?”  “Discovering I am like my mother. Her best qualities are my best qualities.” He then said he was interested and wanted to read my memoir.

He did offer a movie option. But wait, not so easy: How was my life resolved?  Who am I?  Who is my authentic self? Part 3 was the most difficult to write. To resolve. Oh shit…Mark Twain to the rescue: “It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.” Then I relaxed with the understanding that Part 3 is a work in progress.

Focus on what your memoir is about.Write a couple of sentences or what is called an elevator pitch. Write a synopsis of one page to indicate the three parts as described above. Focus.

Legal advice may be neededwhen writing about others. Does writing about this particular incident/person contribute to my story? Will it damage my relationship with this person or harm this other person unduly?

Do your research.Attend Writers Conferences, Storytelling and Writing Workshops. Read. Learn. The best work I read is On Writing by Stephen King.

Focus on writing to one person. I focused writing to my only sibling, my brother who is four years older. David says my book answers many questions in his life and he has a deeper understanding why he does certain things a certain way. And, the biggest bonanza: he now knows me at a deeper level.

Know that there will be questions.I thought after I wrote my memoir, I would feel relief and satisfaction. It was over. The burning desire inside me to write “mother’s story” was finally completed. Published. I could relax. Oh no! The questions keep coming. I am reliving it over and over: painful, yet cathartic, exhausting and consuming. No end to the story.

#

My dad told me I broke his heart when I was ten years old. I asked him the most difficult question: “Will I grow up to be like Mother?”  We were driving to the mental hospital to see Mother. I noticed him gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles were white and, looking straight ahead answered in a low voice: “no.”

The question lingered. Others continually asked me the question. Friends, husbands, lovers. “Are you anything like your mother?”  Anger would boil inside me as I answered with a loud “NO. Absolutely not!”  I broke off relationships. He doesn’t even know me. I am perfect. Mother was the crazy one. Screw him.

Today, after publication of How Do You Grab a Naked Lady? I am asked again at book signings, meetings, and interviews; in emails; on face book and twittering, “Are you anything like your mother?”  I answer calmly and proudly:  “I hope so.”   






Sharon L. Hicks is a retired executive living in Honolulu, Hawaii. She is the daughter of businessman and community leader Harold E. Hicks, whose company, Hicks Homes, built over 20,000 affordable pre-designed homes in Hawaii. How to Grab a Naked Lady is her first book, inspired by her mother.  It is available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

I am the disembodied head inside your Jalapeño pickle can!


I have been pickled, and I am bitter.

Greetings, I am a deeesembodied head that has been pickled in jalapeño brine. As a result, I am very sullen and considerably filled with loathing and rageful thoughts. My name is La Morena, the Brunette. Although I was once a blonde before being cruelly and sadly peeeckled.

My life is dismal and sad, and I am radically pissed. Do you not see me casting a dark look of aspersion into the far and unreachable distance? I am thinking of my former lover, who would not care to see me now! Ah, he would spurn me with his booted foot, and my head would roll with the terrible jalapeños into a deetch or drain and I would be no more.

The jalapeño peppers which surround me are deesgusting. I say that, although I once was familiar with spice in my food stuffs. I float atop their deesgusting awfulness like a cork on a sea of vile and abhorrent speetle! They must menace me from every direction with their horrorful snouts of green, glistening spicyness and badness!

I am not even beheaded properly, for there are deesgusting tendrils of my former neck dangling below my head like some leetle child has cut my head off with dull and blunt sceeesors! Faugh!

I do not any longer care for the jalapeños. If you are in habit of eating them, keep in mind that I am hiding inside the can. Any pepper you poool out of the can could be me! My head! My expression will carry my full condemnation and icy cold crooolty that will freeze your balls or wither your extremities! Be ware of me for I am vairy, vairy disturbed and the pickling has leached my brain of human goodnesses. You have been warned.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

I Have ARCs Im Giving Them Away


I have in my possession a vasty pile of ARCs that have come my way through various secret channels. Individuals have threatened me suggested that I should share the ARCs through a bloggy giveaway. And so I shall!

Here are the details.

You must answer a question related to one of the books I am giving away. For this giveaway, that question shall be: "If you were in the circus, what would your role be?" Post your silly, lyrical, or offensive reply in the comments. If there is an ARC title (listed below) that you desperately want, feel free to let me know.

I will package up all your replies and send them in a sack by eagle to Prague, where a wizened watchmaker I know from my days as an international spy/assasin will choose the winners and send them back to my via fast mail ship, sewn into the belly of a salted haddock. (Damn, that wasn't written right; ships don't fit inside haddocks! I meant to say "send them back, sewn into the belly of a salted haddock, via fast mail ship.")

One or more winners may be chosen. The exact number of winners is completely arbitrary and depend on how much postage I have at my disposal. If you win, I will contact you and you will send me your mailing address. Yes, you will! (Make sure I know how to contact you via your blog or an email address.)

If you spread the word via Tweets and such, you will get SUPER BONUS POINTS. Make sure to let me know so you can greedily claim your points.

You've gotta be a follower of "The Party Pony" blog to qualify. Otherwise, how are you going to know about future giveaways like this? There may be many such giveaways, because I have a black market flow of ARCs from my friends in the underworld. Just imagine your bookshelves: brimming, overflowing with treasures, toppling over and crushing your pet cats.

All of today's ARCs are YA/Middle Grade. Here is the list:

Circus Galacticus, By Deva Fagan (Pub date: November 14, 2011)















Wereworld: Rise of the Wolf, By Curtis Jobling (Pub date: September 20, 2011)

The Inquisitor's Apprentice, By Chris Moriarty (Pub date: 10/2011)

Skary Childrin and the Carousel of Sorrow, By Katy Towell (Pub date: August 23, 2011)

Wisdom's Kiss, By Catherine Gilbert Murdock (Pub date: 9/2011)

The Undrowned Child, By Michelle Lovric (Pub date: 8/2011)








Saturday, July 15, 2017

Wherein I dissect a scandal Sort of Maybe


During my little hiatus, a few dramas unfolded in the YA blogosphere, and the two I directly observed had one thing in common: someone well-known did something disappointing.

Now, if you've read this blog for a while, you know I'm not going to hop up on a soapbox and add my opinion about the scandals to the pile. I do that rarely here, simply because there are enough opinions out there, so why would anyone want to hear mine?

What I will do: dissect it a bit, from a psychological perspective. That's why you come here, right? Oh, that or you're a kind, patient person with a high tolerance for eccentricity, and maybe we're friends, or possibly you're my dad (hi, Dad. I love you).

Okay! Someone well-known does something disappointing. And gets caught--and called out publicly. (No, I'm not going to link, sorry.) When these events went down, I read post after post with interest, and noticed that the (hundreds of) reactions coalesced into a few different types:

1. People who had neutral or negative opinions of WELL-KNOWN PERSON (WKP), and openly and loudly (you know, with all-caps and hashtags, etc.) condemned WKP for committing the TRANSGRESSION.

2. People who had positive opinions of WKP, who might have otherwise been extremely offended by the TRANSGRESSION, but who were much more willing to forgive and forget the transgression because of who committed it.

If you're wondering, yes, there were plenty of in-between kinds of opinions, but much of what I saw landed in one of these two camps, and that's what I'm going to focus on today (or else this would be a *really* long post).

Anyway, what's going on here? Both camps were presented with the evidence. Not just he said-she said--there was data! Screen captures! Time stamps! And it was evidence of something that is accepted by everyone in this community as BAD. How could people differ so widely in their reactions to something objectively labeled as unethical?


Well. This happens all the time, doesn't it?

A few psychological concepts are in play here, and I'm only going to mention two of them:

Cognitive dissonance--the discomfort we feel when we hold two conflicting beliefs in our heads at once. Example: TRANSGRESSION is bad. WKP is good. But WKP committed TRANSGRESSION. That's a recipe for a lot of distress ... unless you kind of ... let one of those beliefs become slightly less important. In this case, people who held the above beliefs could either reject WKP or downplay the TRANSGRESSION (i.e., "it wasn't that bad.").

See how that might have been at work here? *Some* of the reactions to what happened could have been due to people trying to resolve cognitive dissonance by de-emphasizing a previously strongly held belief because it was just too uncomfortable to hold onto both beliefs at once. (I find cognitive dissonance so fascinating that I'll be posting more on it next week.)

Person vs. Situation explanations--when we're trying to understand behavior, we make guesses about WHY someone does something. Even when we're not consciously aware of doing so. Sometimes, we attribute behavior to the person: He is lazy. He is dishonest. She is insincere. She only looks out for herself. Sometimes, we attribute behavior to the situation: It was a momentary lapse in judgment. It was an isolated incident. She was under a lot of pressure. He was exhausted from trying to do too many things at once.

Again--you can see how this might have come into play. People who did not know WKP very well--or who didn't like WKP very much--probably erred on the side of person-oriented explanations, attributing the transgression to something inherent, permanent, and likely to generalize across situations--and that would leave them wary of WKP and unlikely to forgive easily, because the transgression was the result of  a character flaw. People who know WKP, or who have had positive experiences with WKP, or who have benefited from association with WKP, probably erred on the side of situation-oriented explanations, attributing the transgression to something external to the person, temporary, and unlikely to generalize to other situations--which makes it easier to forgive and forget, because anyone could find themselves in that situation, right?


There you have it--this is how people react so differently to the same TRANSGRESSION. And it happens to all of us, every single day. None of us is immune to the effects of cognitive dissonance or person vs. situation explanations. None of us is as objective and logical as we'd like to believe. So now it's your turn, assuming I haven't utterly bored or confused you: can you think of a situation where a WKP has committed a TRANSGRESSION, and people had vastly different responses to it? What was your response, and why?

Thursday, July 6, 2017

I Immobilized My Kid With This Handy Device




My child just had a panic attack. But I immobilized him quickly with the Papoose Board and he calmed down SO fast. The "spread-eagle" position is so comforting for little kids. It makes them believe that they are about to, like, hug Barney or Dora or another cuddly character. The head-strap aspect makes them super-secure, too, because they can't flail up and head-butt the mo fo who thinks that strapping them down is a good idea. The child pictured here was previously stupefied by continuous rounds of "Minecraft" and was therefore limp and flaccid when captured. Most children will bite you before being subjected to this humiliation.


Sunday, July 2, 2017

In which I see an owl And rivers of blood!


I am undarkening my blog ever-so-briefly to tell a tale of my woodland adventures in NH. As a wilderness trip leader, I recently took a group of four young girls (age 9-10) and their counselors to Kinsman Pond in Franconia Notch. As we arrived in the parking lot, we discovered that every space was occupied. One fine fool had parked his car, plastered with Boston College bumper stickers, smack across two spaces. Upon finally finding our own space after much circling, the "adults" in our group left him a note that read: "Your genitals will be snacked upon by lemurs as punishment for your hideous parking skills." I included a smiley face to let him know that the snacking would be done in a kindly, lighthearted manner.

Onward to the trail. Each of the young girls had been given a horrible load to carry. One had a sack of 6 bagels. Another had five pieces of pita bread. A third had a few packets of hot cocoa. In addition, each of the girls was forced to carry her own chewy bar, an apple, and orange, and a cup/bowl/spoon set. (Unlike my previous trip, on which I'd failed to bring bowls and cups for the children and thus almost resorted to dumping globs of Mac n' Cheese on a tarp for each place setting, I'd successfully remembered to stow these items.)

"Any of you want to give up your arduous load of food?" we offered. But the girls were stout-hearted; they would carry their lumps of bread to the very top!

We mastered the first couple of miles to arrive at a trail junction at Lonesome Lake. Day hikers strolled by, some with young children toting stuffed animals and wearing flip-flops. This was clearly a strenuous and dangerous trail. A family of four with a dog passed us and headed down toward the parking lot; one member of the group was wearing a distinctive Boston College T-shirt.

Past Lonesome Lake, the journey took on a more sinister character. We had chosen the Fishin' Jimmy trail, part of the larger Appalachian Trail. As such, thru-hikers on their way to Maine, fragrant and sometimes bloodied, left us gasping in clouds of body odor. Long-legged fellows with trekking poles would stride with ease down over slippery roots and near-vertical rock faces studded with wedged, wooden steps. The girls struggled up the same route, sourcing out the best holds for their little hands. We leaned to the side to allow the thru-hikers passage and the girls pinched their noses and said "faugh." And so we clambered higher and higher into the woods along the edge of the mountain. We crossed mossy streams where mushrooms grew, so round and bright that I thought one was an orange tumbled from someone's pack. A foot would slip; someone would squeal and right herself.  A toad trundled across the trail.

My pack was from the 1980s--a gift from a former trip leader. It was old-school indeed, a classic frame pack covered with small sewn patches from the various AMC huts I'd visited in an earlier lifetime as a trip leader. And it was the most painful and wretched pack I could imagine carrying. I'd thought it would be kind of cool and retro to use this pack on the trail this summer. However, I had failed to recall some of its lesser virtues from the last time I'd used it. One, whenever the waistband was tightened to anywhere nearing comfort, it would pop open at the moment of greatest stress, thus sending something in the realm of 40 pounds of weight down on my shoulders. The best recourse was to leave it loose, which also let the 40 pounds sit firmly on my shoulders. Second, the pack was ungainly and off-balance, so that when I clung to a rock face on the Fishin' Jimmy trail, I came within an inch of toppling over backward into scrubby gullies. I reeled like a drunk on the edges and clung to tree branches. The tent bound at the top swung wildly and caught on pine branches. And third, if I decided that I needed to crouch low and clamber over a rough spot, the external frames at the base of the pack would scrape and catch on the rock. Scritch, scritch, the pack would scream, as I slid down the rocks.

We made camp at the lovely Kinsman Pond shelter. Our second day in the woods was uneventful, and included a hike to the top of North and South Kinsman in the fog. On the way up, we passed an older hiker who appeared to have wrapped his head in cheesecloth. He had a ragged gash on one arm and a haunted look in his eyes. "It's very rough," he said. "Very steep. Very dangerous. Hold onto anything you can!" He took a peek at the young girls and shook his head mournfully.

This fellow must have come up via a different trail, for we encountered nothing more hair-raising than that which we'd seen on Fishin' Jimmy. No trauma ensued but for two girls scratching their legs near the peak of South Kinsman and howling bitterly about it. They insisted on giant gauze patches lashed on by surgical tape. Another girl had to go poo near the peak so I dug her a hole with my hiking pole and handed her a patch of moss. (Moss soaks up urine well enough but can be grubby on the undersides.)

On the second evening, we sat by the pond and watched clouds roll down from the mountains. J and M were snogging and lover-making or some such, as 17-18 year olds will do when presented with romantic scenes such as remote mountain ponds under darkening skies. I didn't blame them a wit. E and I departed and were snuggling into our sleeping bags when I heard something whisking by my head. I trained my headlamp on the creature. It was an owl. A very petite and round-eyed owl that we later determined to be a Saw-Whet owl.


The owl flew about the shelter, lighting on various beams and gazing at us as if for advice. Eventually it settled atop my garbage-bag-wrapped sack of clothing, not more than a foot from my head. It blinked at me.

"It's sitting on my luggage!" I said. The presence of the owl, so otherworldly, rendered my speech loose and excitable, like a child who has seen his first lion. "It's on my luggage," I repeated. "There it is, on my luggage!" The owl gave a little hop and landed back on the bag. I slowly withdrew my camera and as I did so it flew straight out of the shelter. It was better that way, really. I didn't want to see my last glimpse of the owl through a camera lens. We were assured that our bonny owl was a good omen and would bring us doubloons and blessings for the year to come.

The blessings began the very next morning! I woke up and prepared to light the camp stove. Then my nose started gushing blood. I used to have a lot of nosebleeds as a kid, so I pinched my nostrils shut and waited a minute or two. It didn't stop. I figured it was due to altitude or something and didn't panic, although I thought about panicking. Through some fluke, I had also acquired a cut on the side of my nose and that, too, started to bleed profusely. So I was lying on my back in the shelter with a pack towel over my face, wondering if the bear that had been reportedly sighted in the area appreciated the scent of blood in any way. The shelter featured a large "Bear Box" where we stored our pepperoni, chicken, and other items of interest to a bear, and the bear had visited and fumbled with the lock on the first night and had loped away without satisfaction. Now he would come back, and he would eat me. And the Saw-Whet owl would observe this from atop my luggage.

Finally, finally, I got the bleeding to stop. I affixed a Band-Aid to the side of my nose. I'm sure it was unsightly. When the campers woke up for breakfast and noticed my blemish we hatched a scheme in which we would all put Band-Aids on our faces and make many ominous comments to the day hikers heading up the trail. We'd scare the wits out of them just like that old feller had scared us!

We set out to hike down the Fishin' Jimmy. I had researched a few alternate trails but they all listed things such as "rough and intolerably steep" and "lousy with trolls" and "slippage to certain death inevitable." So we went back to Farkin' Jimmy. It was slow and wet from the previous night's rain. The girls took their time and made their way with steady progress.

We were crossing a small stream in a flat section of the trail when I heard a cry. One of the little girls, L, had pitched forward and was lying prone atop the rocks. She had failed to put her hands out to arrest her fall in any way. And her forehead was spurting blood. Having seen head wounds before, I knew they could bleed badly even if superficial. We gathered around and soothed her. She was remarkably calm, until another little girl squealed in a high-pitched voice: "Oh my God. So much blood! It's GUSHING. I have never seen so much blood! Oh my God, it's like a fountain of blood! The blood! The blood!"

This dramatic outpouring sent poor L into tears. And the tears themselves were filled with blood, too. L was a pretty girl with long, thick hair, which she'd brushed and brushed until it was gleaming and then had sorted it into a braid. Even the braid, which had fallen forward, was bloodied. We pressed the wound with my pack towel (already encrusted with dried blood), and then E pulled it away and looked and went white and mouthed two words: "Puncture wound."

I looked and my stomach dropped, for this little girl had a hole in her forehead. It wasn't a huge hole, but any hole in the forehead is a bad hole. It was shallow enough, but the skull isn't far from the surface. Touch your forehead now and you'll see what I mean. I thought I might be able to see the glimmer of bone at the base of this hole.

Adrenalin is a strange thing. Readers of my blog know that I suffer from panic attacks and have experienced the push of adrenalin, misplaced and false and unneeded. This time it did what it was meant to do. We all acted quickly and cleanly. I flung the shoes lashed to the outside of my pack onto the trail in order to access the med kit. (I never saw the shoes again in this lifetime.) We stuffed in a gob of Neosporin and bound up the wound.

A man with a dog stopped by and informed us that he worked at a local hospital. No, he wasn't a doctor or a nurse, but he offered to carry the little girl's pack, and that was good enough and made him a hero. We legged it to the hut, one mile away, where the crew wrapped up little L even more thoroughly such that she looked like a Revolutionary war solider. Her face was blotchy and her eyelashes were gummed with blood.

At this point E and I decided we'd hike her out to the hospital while the rest, commandeered by hardy crew members M and J, lagged behind. I hadn't eaten anything, so I opened the communal jar of peanut butter and thrust a grimy paw into it to bring up a big scooping handful. This I licked as we hiked down. Some ways down the trail a bee shot out and stung me on the leg. E was carrying the little girl's pack on her belly, with her own pack on her back, so that she looked like a strange double-humped creature. I was wearing two knee braces and wielding two trekking poles. The day hikers with their teddies and lollies and pinafores continued to pass us as we made our way down, and at one point little L (cheering up now) turned back to us and conspiratorially said: "I think our plan to intimidate them is working." What a champ that kid was. Her eyes were still gummed-up with blood and still she had a hole in her head and still she managed to laugh.

We hiked on, cooking up stories for how the scene had played out. In one scenario, a bear with the ghost of Fishin' Jimmy riding sidesaddle on its woollen hide had lunged from the woods, knocking L into a troll-spike.

Finally we reached the van and drove 15 miles north to the hospital in Littleton, NH. A few miles into the drive my nose inexplicably started bleeding again, and I grabbed a beach towel to staunch the flow. In doing so I opened up the cut on the side of my nose again.That bled too, profusely. I drove one-handed, silently cursing. By the time we stumbled into the ultra-clean waiting room of the Littleton hospital ER, my face and hands were soaked in blood and my leg was bee-sting swollen and I had a rime of peanut butter around my mouth. We stank of the woods and of old cheese and probably a little bit of urine, as leaves don't wipe as well as they ought. The triage nurse opened her eyes wide and wondered who was the patient? Lucky for us, the waiting room was entirely empty, and L was whisked in for gluing and reparation faster than one would have hoped.

I left them there for rescue by the camp nurse and took the van back to collect the others, now waiting at the trailhead.  They would want ice cream, and would want to know: Was L all right? She was, and they would get their ice cream.  When I turned on the van's crusty old radio a song featuring the little girl's name was playing. What were the odds of that? (And I'd like to say her name aloud here, because she deserves honor for her bravery and her laughter, but one doesn't write about other people's children online, of course. But I'm saying her name to myself all the same.) The odds.

Maybe 10 years from now she will be on a trip herself, now bold and 18 and in love with something of the mountains and maybe with a boy, and she'll remember M and J and the way they glanced at each other over the stones. In 15 years, she will be 23 and I will be old and intolerable and maybe I will have forgotten how to skip--my parents, in their 80s, say that when you can't skip anymore that might mean that you are old. Does it? Maybe in 20 years, someone will ask: How did you get that scar? And she'll touch it lightly and remember the light on the water and the shiver of the lilypads in the wind when she was eight and high in the mountains  and far from home. And how when she fell she dove rather than faltered and engraved this instant on her memory.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

And I thought last week was crazy


Yes I know I said I would do one of these every weekend, get over it :)

Was the first week of mocks last week, the bad week :, got through it though ;) Art was a complete and epic fail Monday, my bear looked like a tard with a wonky eye, ah well I'll just try harder next time. All the others were okay, apart from Chemistry and Physics, let's not even go there, let's just laugh in its face, HA. Stupid subjects. Finally did my French oral and got an A! BAM! Je suis un genius. Only have 4 exams left now :) Yay *claps* French reading and writing, PE theory, Business and Maths calculator, I can live with them.

In other news: I got my Gap Year prizes! xD the NZ books are hilarious, love the Maori one, I now know how to say "Shut the fuck up" in Maori, brilliant. Ipod is gooooood, the video I found on it was better though ;D but the signed photo of Jonny Nutz was the best, framed next to my laptop and the background on my phone, oh yesssss.

In other other news: I was the ONLY person to know who @TheXFactor was!!! :D Out of thousands of people! HOW AMAZING IS THAT! I'm a genius. http://xfactor.itv.com/2009/episodes/video/item_201010.htm

In other other other news: MILEY CYRUS AND METRO STATION WERE INCREDIBLE!!!! That is all.

Au-revoir mes amis, next blog shall be before Christmas, I promise x

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Getting Significant Others to Tell You the Truth Part I Judgments Masquerading as Descriptions






As I have mentioned in many posts in this blog, the key to effective problem solving for dysfunctional families is to initiate metacommunication (talking about the nature and manifestations of rules by which the family operates, as well as talking about the way the family communicates), and then learning how to do it effectively.  Many strategies were discussed previously in my two series, Ve Have Vays of Making You Talk and How to Disarm a Borderline.  


Many of the strategies described in the Disarm posts need not be limited to dealing with family members who have significant borderline behavior, but work well on anyone trying to avoid telling you that they are purposely frustrating you because they do not want you to pursue certain lines of questioning.


In this new series of two posts, I will describe situations in which individuals with whom one is attempting metacommunication seem to be answering the questions that have been posed to them but are, in actuality, avoiding answering the questions.

In the second, upcoming post I will describe a strategy used by people who do not want to tell you their real motives for why they did or did not do something - thereby blocking your efforts to understand them and their motives better: descriptions masquerading as explanations.

In this post, I will cover a problem that crops up when one family member questions another family member about his or her relationship with a third party.  I call it judgments masquerading as descriptions.

This applies in situations in which the goal for the metacommunicator is to avoid being triangulated into the relationship of two other family members who are at war with one another.  According to family systems theory, when any two family members are having an unstable relationship, they will often rope in a third party as a sort of buffer.  


Two of the three members of the triangle may seem to gang up on the third, but there is usually much more to the story than that.  If deemed necessary, the alliances can quickly shift, so that the person ganged up upon can suddenly join either of the other two parties to gang up on the third, who had previously been allied with the other member of the triangle.  The goal of triangulation is avoidance of the underlying conflict, not its solution.


In the process of roping in a potential triangulee, so to speak, one of the original warring dyad – will call him #1 - will tell stories about the other (#2) designed to provoke outrage at #2.  #2 will be said to have engaged in some dastardly behavior or other. 

In this situation, in order to prevent triangulation, The metacommunicator (#3) should then try to get a more complete description of what has transpired, to make sure that #1 is not leaving out any information that might change #3’s perspective about both the events in question and the reasons why #2 may have reacted the way he or she did. 


When first asked about a particular interactional relationship episode, #1 may  respond with a rather global judgment about the other person involved rather than a specific description of what actually took place. 

A woman, for example, might describe her father as “controlling.”  Unless #3 knows precisely what she means by “controlling,” he or she is in no position to judge whether this characterization is accurate.  #3 might have a very different conception about what constitutes “controlling” behavior and what does not, as well as about what behavior it is that the father might be attempting to “control.”  


A typical scenario in which #3 might conclude that he or she is being misled might go something like this: #1 states globally that her father tries to control whatever she does.  Dad might, unbeknownst to #3, call her incessantly on her cell phone whenever she goes out on a date.  Upon further inquiry or observation, however, #3 learns that the father bankrolls his daughter’s every whim, no matter how reckless, whenever she asks him for money.  #3 then draws the incorrect conclusion that the patient’s characterization of the father as “controlling” is completely distorted.
           
Notice something peculiar in this particular case.  If #1 knows that #3 may come to know facts which would call into question #1’s “judgment” about #2, then the goal of #1 may be to provoke #3 into siding with #2!  In other words, the goal of the triangulators may be to create a situation in which two people gang up against them!!  Also, if #2 creates the situation in a way that keeps it rather ambiguous as to exactly who did what to whom, this allows #2 to manipulate the triangle so that the potential metacommunicator can be provoked to change sides several times over the course of a long period of time, depending on what seems useful at the time the switch is provoked.

In order to avoid this scenario, it is important to find out exactly what behavior the father engages in that leads #2 to use the term “controlling.”  In other words, what specific behaviors and suspected motives of the father are entailed by #2’s use of the term?  Even people whom most others would find very power-oriented do not try to control absolutely everything that their family members do.  They would not in most instances care, for example, what time family members brushed their teeth. 


In this case, for example, the father is attempting to control his daughter's dating life, while letting her do whatever she wants in most other areas of her life.  In fact, he seems to be enabling her to do what she wants in those other areas.  So the judgment "controlling" is both correct and incorrect simultaneously.  Nobody is one was all of the time when it comes to almost any conceivable characteristic.  To think otherwise is black-or-white thinking, or "splitting" if you will.

#3 must be a good investigative reporter and ask for specifics using follow-upquestions.  He or she should ask for detailed examples of misbehavior by other family members, and run down implied but unspoken implications.  In the above case of a judgment masquerading as a description, #3 should ask for illustrative examples.  He or she could ask, “What exactly is your father trying to make you do or not do?”  If #2 responds with another global generalization such as, “Everything!” #3 should persistently ask for some prototypical examples.  


After an example of an interaction is finally given, it may still be necessary to ask for further clarification: Exactly how did the father’s behavior lead #2 to conclude that he wanted to control one of her activities?  The father’s statements as reported by #2 may sound relatively innocuous to #3, but such may not be the case.  #3 might ask, “What was it about that statement that made you think that he does not want you to get married?”

To summarize, to find out what #2 really means, #3 needs to ask for behavioral descriptions, not just the patient’s opinions regarding the other person's personalities. Metacommunicators must ask follow-up questions. They can ask for clarification of vague or confusing statements and inquire about seemingly insinuated but unspoken implications. 


To continue with the example a woman who described her father as “controlling,” the metacommunicator would learn much by asking the patient the following additional questions: What do you mean, in behavioral terms, by “controlling”? What is your father doing and saying that indicate that he wants to control you? What do you believe to be his motives for wanting such control, and on what do you base this belief? What part of your life do you think he wants to control? What exactly is he trying to get you to do or not do? How does he go about trying to control these aspects of your life? Under what circumstances does he act in such a manner, and under what circumstances does he not act that way? What are you doing or saying that might be provoking a “controlling” response?

In obtaining concrete descriptions of interactions rather than globalized judgments, it is also important to find out what the people in the described relationship vignettes actually said to one another. Finding out specifically who said exactly what to whom in reported conversations that were conflictual, adversarial, or anxiety-provoking for someone often adds a tremendous amount to a person’s understanding. Family members who may otherwise omit important details often are able to provide very accurate details of affect-rich conversations because such conversations are so emotionally salient for them. 


One should try also to elicit as much as possible about the whole conversation, not just a part of it. In particular, the way conflictual conversations end may provide important details about the patterns of mutual invalidation that often characterize poor communication in families. Statements such as “Mom did not respond at all after I told her that” are ambiguous and should trigger further requests for clarification. What did Mom actually do at the point of “no response”? It is impossible to not behave.  


Did Mom turn around and walk out of the room? Stare silently into space as if in a trance? Roll up into a fetal position? The answer to such questions allows #3 to better understand #2’s need for avoidance and ambiguity in their discussions of important issues.

The more specific and detailed the questions you ask, the more accurate the picture of the other’s relationships becomes.


Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Recovery from anxiety I recovered from panic attacks and panic disorder


Hi Guys,

I thought about this day a lot over the years and I can finally tell you Ive recovered from anxiety.
Im writing on here because I know alot of people wont have followed me to my new blog and thats ok!
I want you to know that being anxiety free is possible, and Id know because that is me today.

Over the years I read some truly harrowing stories online of people who had suffered with anxiety for 20+ years, and worried Id be one of them. Today I can safely say that is not the case.

How did I get here?

Knowledge is Power

I read a few fantastic books: Anxious by Joseph LeDoux,  'Rewire Your Anxious Brain: How to Use the Neuroscience of Fear to End Anxiety, Panic, and Worry' by Catherine Pittman and 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle and 'At Last a Life' by Paul David (A sufferer of anxiety of 10 years)

Im not endorsing anyone, Im just telling you that they were useful and I'll attempt to explain why.
Anxiety is caused by stress. You are not going mental or do you have any physical illness that is threatening your life. Chances are you've been down these routes and professionals have told you the same thing. Joseph LeDoux and Catherine Pittman describe the processes in the brain that underpin, cause and add to anxiety. In laymans terms you either worry (which causes a thoughts-feeling-behaviour cycle usually "Oh no the boss wants to speak to me" - feels dread and anxiety - panic attack) or you are exposed to some anxiety provoking situation that has been etched into your mind by emotional memory and therefore everytime you encounter it you panic so you start to avoid it.

To beat this: stop worrying. Yes that is just it. Worry never changes anything, it just makes you worse. You may have positive beliefs that underpin worry "It helps me plan, it helps me cope" Do you have some? Write them down - they are keeping you unhappy.

A few months ago my dog was attacked by another dog. The other dog had latched onto my dogs face, and although im a massive animal lover there was no way to free my dog without physically kicking the other off. Eventually I had to put my hand inside the other dogs mouth so it would bite me rather than my dog. This was reckless but I felt like my dogs life was in danger so..what the hell. It broke my finger, but my dog escaped relatively injury free. I coped fine without having to plan for this.

You do not need to worry about anything, because you have the skills and the inbuilt amygdala reflexes to cope with whatever comes your way.

If you step out into the road and a car comes along, your body automatically jumps back. You do not need to think, and if you did the chances are you would have been hit by a car by the time you'd thought about what you had to do.

Trust your body, it is the product of thousands of years of survival. It doesnt need any interference from your mind in a scary situation, the mind just makes it worse.

Accept you'll feel anxious for a little while Your 'illness' is the fact you are trying to supress an emotion that cannot ever be removed from your experience. Do you spend hours trying to get rid of happiness? Is that even possible? No.

"But anxiety is awful" I hear you say. Yes it is, but it will pass. The fact you are labelling it and paying attention to it is what is making it worse. You've been so over stressed worrying about your panic attacks, or worrying about worrying that it will take time to subside. You've formed a habit like smoking, that will niggle at you for a time. You DO NOT have to do anything to make it go away, just go about your life and it will die down.

When I read this in Paul David's book I was dismayed. All of the google searches, books, forums Id been on and the answer was do nothing?

It really is.

Id literally carved a life out of finding an answer to anxiety, and the answer was leave it alone.

Quit the forums, stop diagnosing yourself with other mental or physical illnesses and stop avoiding your life.

The 6 hour rule This is a rule Id discovered when reading Joseph LeDouxs work and will provide you with some scientific reassurance that anxiety will die down if you expose yourself to anxiety provoking situations. After conditiong, rats would exhibit a fear response at the sound of a tone (they'd be electricuted every time theyd heard the sound previously) The rats were then in the situation as you or previously me. The tone played - they became scared e.g You go into a supermarket - you become frightened. To counteract this the rats were played a tone without an electric shock, and learnt that nothing bad would happen. This is extinction/exposure.

HOWEVER

Sometimes a little while later when the rats were played the tone, they could again become scared. This is because the brain needs the rat to survive and will 'protect' it by creating fear in a situation it has previously been injured/frightened, even though it had also learnt there was nothing to be frightened of. The same can apply to human beings. It would rather be safe than sorry.

This happened to me. I went through CBT, was 'cured' could travel everywhere and then when I encountered my ex partner again, the anxiety returned. I lost faith in exposure.

LeDoux pulled something out of his sleeve, by accident. Sometimes the scared rats, would be put through exposure twice. This means they'd hear the tone and not be electricuted, then hear the tone and not be electricuted again. If this was done within a 6 hour period, the anxiety about the tone never returned. 

Apply this to your own gradual exposure. Go to the supermarket - your anxiety will go up, then go down when you stay in the situation. Return to the supermarket within 6 hours and do the same thing again. fear - gone  

You are not a rat - and this is a bonus. 

LeDouxs research is amazing but he fails to realise that we are not rats. Even if we are conditioned to fear something, we go through exposure that shows us nothing will happen and THEN still feel fear sometimes, we still have conscious choice.

We can choose to stay in the situation and put our faith in the fact that yes it is scary, but I also have an experience where nothing happened too.

Intrusive thoughts: 

These were single handedly the worst symtom I experienced. At the height of my anxiety Id think awful things like "What if I accidentally hurt someone when I panic?" They were very distressing. Dr Seif has some fantastic resources on them. Understand that you are not your thoughts. Everyone has weird thoughts, but people with anxiety just dont pay attention to them and thats exactly the approach you should take. The 'Power of Now' showed me that I am not my mind. It is the product of the experiences, people and life I have had and I can observe it without taking it personally.

Understand you're not mental, strange or a bad person and you can safely ignore these thoughts.

Find the cause

The biggest thing that helped me to recover - realising I was the victim of domestic violence. When I wrote this blog (2011 onwards) I was living with my partner and never disclosed that he was abusing me physically and mentally. Its difficult to open your eyes to how awful someone is treating you; Id exaggerate how fantastic he was, any little thing he did would be the best thing in the world because I knew how badly things could be. Recently I realised that he had actually caused my anxiety problem in the beginning. This was the beginning of the end of my worry cycle. No more google searches, forums, book reading searching for this miraculous 'anxiety secret' - I had it, and it was him. Realising he had caused me stress and emotional turmoil took the mystery and unknown out of it. It also took the shame away.

Maybe you have not been abused, maybe you took too much on at work, or had family problems, a divorce, bad effects from drug taking. Whatever it is, there will be something.

STRESS 

We've all heard eat right, excercise yaggedy yah - but actually do those things. If you're contending with low blood sugar you're bringing on an anxiety attack without even stepping out of the door. If you have a stressful job - start 5 a side football, running or something as small as walking the dog in the evening.

Its all well and good taking on your life again, but don't be your own down fall after all of this effort.

Start some relaxation. I don't care if you think you don't have time, or its 'weird'. You'd rather meditate to Youtube and have your life back than sit in and miss out on your life. The Honest Guys on Youtube are great.

If someone is causing you stress, cut them out of your life. Look at the impact it has had on you, you do not need this. If you can't cut them out, limit your time with them. If theyre a work colleague, try and change seats, see if you can change shifts or if they're bullying you now is the time to do something about it.

Do more of the things you enjoy - at first its hard facing your fears but if theres something good at the end of it you're more likely to go, and its fun. You're creating your new life, the way you want it to be. Nothing is off limits now.



To summarise:


  • Anxiety is a normal emotion and it is OK that you feel it
  • Leave it alone
  • You are not in danger and it cannot make you go crazy
  • Worrying is a pointless and destructive habit - stop it. Start with worry postponement if needed.
  • Educate yourself on panic attacks - they are safe
  • Stop using Google, anxiety forums  or obsessing over anxiety 
  • Develop the attitude that you are going to get on with your life regardless of what you feel
  • Read the 3 books mentioned above if needed
  • Apply the 6 hour rule to anxiety provoking situations
  • Manage stress: eat well, exercise & do fun things
  • Get on with your life, you deserve it 
  • Believe that people recover from anxiety, I did.




The strangest and most profound thing I have taken from this journey, is that I never had a problem at all. The problem was that I thought I had a problem. In reality I was trying to catch smoke.

Love, light and strength to all of you. This blog gets so many visitors and I really hope you all read this and apply it to your life. You do not have anxiety, you just think you do and you are capable of everything you want to achieve.

When you leave this post, I want you to leave your anxiety obsession here too. Don't waste anymore of your precious life on this subject,
                                                           life begins now.