Guest Post Writing About Your Family Lessons I Have Learned

Today’s guest post is written by Sharon Hicks, author of How Do You Grab a Naked Lady, a memoir about her life with her bipolar mother. I reviewed the book here. The best way to gain insight into yourself, in my opinion, is by learning about your family, even if what you learn is somewhat painful.

Sharon Hicks

A few years ago, I met with Mother’s psychiatrist, Dr. Amjadi, to ask him a few questions about my mother. I was writing Mother’s story. I wanted to know more about her. Why did he tell me years ago that she was obsessed with knowing the truth? Aren’t we all?  Is obsession a symptom of bipolar? She was diagnosed as manic-depressive with schizophrenic tendencies. What does that mean? Another psychiatrist told me: “Can’t be both.” Could it?

After a few hours of discussion, he said he was amazed that I was writing her story rather than entering a field like psychology or social work that might help me understand mental illness better. Many of the family members of mentally ill patients he had previously encountered had done that. Then, he suggested I make it my memoir: showing the differences between mother and daughter, mentioning the things I had done that mother couldn’t, describing our roles as mother/daughter, etc.

My story! Impossible. She was the colorful, sexy, crazy one; the one arrested over thirty-three times mainly for parading around town naked, in and out of mental hospitals, multiple shock treatments and meds. For Pete’s Sake! She drove around the island in her yellow GS Buick convertible (she named Goose Shit) with the top down, naked. Well, okay, she did wear a yellow Gucci scarf around her neck, but only to blow in the wind. She especially loved coming to a stop sign next to a truck or bus so they could look at her, naked. “Those people can be so stupid. Haven’t they seen a naked body before? Wow, the stop light; ever see anything so fucking red as a blinking red stop light!”  

But, now it was my story. Well, my life with mother: how she was crazy and I was perfect. Heck! I had proof. Mother’s police records, documentations, her audiotapes. And, my senior class voted me Most Ideal and Homecoming Queen. We were clearly opposites! I was determined to prove it.

I wasn’t prepared for the agonizing writing process. The crazy ride on the roller coaster of emotions. Laughing and crying. Pacing, fidgeting and then exhaustion.

I wasn’t prepared for the ending. After the writing, I loved her and connected with her in a way I never did before. After the writing, I learned that the best parts of me were also my mother’s best parts: her inquiring philosophical mind, her raw honesty, her free spirit. And I learned I was not perfect! 

Today, I wish I could reach out, hug her and whisper in her ear: “I can’t possibly understand, but I want you to know I am your biggest ally. I love you.” 

Mother would quote Erhard: “Understanding is the booby prize.” Then she would snicker: “Who gives a shit?”   

Then we both would laugh and eat her “fart” cookies.

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Others ask me to share lessons I learned in writing my memoir. I don’t think any are hazardous, but some may be considered dangerous and scary, like diving into the deep end of a dark lagoon where the monsters live. You really don’t know what lurks in the darkness or crevices of your mind. Give up the fight to be right and know that “What you resist persists.” (Carl Jung) Once you face honesty in the face, humility bathes your body. And, you can shake hands with authenticity.

Lessons I have learned:

Be honest. With each event: what were you doing? Wearing? Thinking? Feeling? Be as honest as you can with each episode. Re-live it!  During the writing I paced, cried, panted, took deep breaths and ate dark chocolate. With your honesty, readers will relate whether they share the same experience or not, much like The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls, The Liars’ Club by Mary Karr or Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs.

A memoir (non-fiction) is written as a novel (fiction). Fiction has three parts: The Set Up/Climax/Resolution. A movie producer interested, asked me quickly: “What is Act 1?” I answered: “Growing up with crazy/manic Mother.”  “Act 2?” “Marrying squeaky clean proving I am nothing like Mother.” “Act 3?”  “Discovering I am like my mother. Her best qualities are my best qualities.” He then said he was interested and wanted to read my memoir.

He did offer a movie option. But wait, not so easy: How was my life resolved?  Who am I?  Who is my authentic self? Part 3 was the most difficult to write. To resolve. Oh shit…Mark Twain to the rescue: “It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.” Then I relaxed with the understanding that Part 3 is a work in progress.

Focus on what your memoir is about.Write a couple of sentences or what is called an elevator pitch. Write a synopsis of one page to indicate the three parts as described above. Focus.

Legal advice may be neededwhen writing about others. Does writing about this particular incident/person contribute to my story? Will it damage my relationship with this person or harm this other person unduly?

Do your research.Attend Writers Conferences, Storytelling and Writing Workshops. Read. Learn. The best work I read is On Writing by Stephen King.

Focus on writing to one person. I focused writing to my only sibling, my brother who is four years older. David says my book answers many questions in his life and he has a deeper understanding why he does certain things a certain way. And, the biggest bonanza: he now knows me at a deeper level.

Know that there will be questions.I thought after I wrote my memoir, I would feel relief and satisfaction. It was over. The burning desire inside me to write “mother’s story” was finally completed. Published. I could relax. Oh no! The questions keep coming. I am reliving it over and over: painful, yet cathartic, exhausting and consuming. No end to the story.

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My dad told me I broke his heart when I was ten years old. I asked him the most difficult question: “Will I grow up to be like Mother?”  We were driving to the mental hospital to see Mother. I noticed him gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles were white and, looking straight ahead answered in a low voice: “no.”

The question lingered. Others continually asked me the question. Friends, husbands, lovers. “Are you anything like your mother?”  Anger would boil inside me as I answered with a loud “NO. Absolutely not!”  I broke off relationships. He doesn’t even know me. I am perfect. Mother was the crazy one. Screw him.

Today, after publication of How Do You Grab a Naked Lady? I am asked again at book signings, meetings, and interviews; in emails; on face book and twittering, “Are you anything like your mother?”  I answer calmly and proudly:  “I hope so.”   

Sharon L. Hicks is a retired executive living in Honolulu, Hawaii. She is the daughter of businessman and community leader Harold E. Hicks, whose company, Hicks Homes, built over 20,000 affordable pre-designed homes in Hawaii. How to Grab a Naked Lady is her first book, inspired by her mother.  It is available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Part 5 of Dr Allens Discussion About Borderline Personality Disorder The Earth Needs Rebels Show on Orion Talk Radio

Part 5 of my discussion of borderline personality disorder on Free Thinking Voice - The Earth Needs Rebels internet radio show was on live Tuesday, November 12, from 12-2 PM U.S. Central Time, and is now found on their website.    

Here is the link to the downloaded broadcast: http://oriontalkradio.com/archives.htm.  Click on "down" and not on "listen."  The date and times posted for the broadcast: Tuesday, November 12, at 1:05 and 2:05 PM.

About Panic Attacks

I recently read Cracked Up To Be, by Courtney Summers. It's a truly fabulous book, an intense psychological portrait of a young woman, Parker, who is dealing with the aftermath of A MAJOR THING that gets revealed as the book progresses. I'm going to devote another post to discussing this book, which was recommended to me by the always-thoughtful aspiring_x, who wrote, "I'd love to know what's going on with Parker." I'll give you my theories and a potential diagnosis (or two) next week.

Today, I'll keep my scope narrow and focus on one thing that Parker has to deal with in the book: panic attacks.

She has several of them, some worse than others. Here's an example of the start of one of them:

I inhale. How can the auditorium be only half full and have all the air gone from it like that? I'm not getting any air. As students continue to mill into the auditorium, it gets smaller and smaller and my heart beats this insane rhythm in my chest. I rub my palms on my skirt. They're sweaty. I really can't breathe. No, I can.

I just think I can't.

Everyone's in. The teachers line up on either side of the walls, ready to shush us should the need arise. The lights overhead dim, but the stage remains bathed in an eerie golden glow. I take a few short breaths in and bring my hand to my chest because I'm afraid my heart is going to pop out of it. The tips of my fingers are tingling.

According to the DSM-IV (the diagnostic manual for psychological disorders) a Panic Attack is a period of intense fear or discomfort, during which at least four of the following symptoms develop abruptly and reach a peak within ten minutes:

1. accelerated heart rate, pounding heart, or palpitations
2. sweating
3. trembling or shaking
4. sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
5. feeling of choking
6. chest pains or discomfort
7. nausea or abdominal distress
8. feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
9. feelings of unreality or being detached from oneself
10. fear of losing control or going crazy
11. fear of dying
12. numbness or tingling sensations
13. chills or hot flushes

As you see in the above passage from Cracked Up To Be, poor Parker experiences symptoms 1, 2, 4, and 12 in just a paragraph or two. After some of her panic attacks, she ends up in the nurse's office.

And during at least two of them ... she faints.

Now here was where I had to take a little pause, and I'll tell you why: people having panic attacks almost never faint*.

Fainting only occurs if there's some underlying medical problem or if something else is wrong. A person having a panic attack might FEEL like she is going to faint. It usually occurs because the person is hyperventilating, which fills the body with too much oxygen and too little carbon dioxide, and that results in a feeling of lightheadedness.

Hyperventilating is part of the body's natural fight-or-flight response, but if you're not doing one of those two things, all that oxygen has nowhere to go. So it builds up in your blood and makes you dizzy. Feeling faint is one of the common symptoms of panic attacks, and fainting is something many people with panic attacks fear (which causes even more anxiety).  But it basically never happens.

Actual fainting occurs with a sudden drop in blood pressure. During a panic attack, a person's blood pressure usually increases a bit. So ... no fainting.

The lifetime prevalence of panic attacks is about 1 in 20. In other words, A LOT of people have them! They're so frightening, and sometimes people are certain they're having a heart attack. People who have this type of episode should, of course, get checked out by a doctor, but the vast, vast majority of panic attacks are NOT medical problems.

And how do you deal with them? Live through them.

There are drugs you can take, and research shows some of them are effective. Research also shows that cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is effective, and that its results are longer-lasting (and without side effects). Part of CBT would be learning to understand exactly what goes on during a panic attack (things like even though it feels like you're going to faint, you WON'T). Another part involves living through the episode without trying to escape the situation. The therapist might even ask you to intentionally cause some of the physical sensations of a panic attack. In fact, I've been in a training on treating panic where I had to hyperventilate, breathe through a tiny coffee straw, shake my head back and forth for a full minute, jog in place, etc. (now imagine a room full of mental health professionals doing it ... I'm surprised something like that hasn't ended up on YouTube). But I digress.

So ... how important is it to you that a novel represents mental health/psychological disorders completely accurately? What if that inaccuracy serves the plot?

*please note I said "almost never", because there are exceptions to every rule, and anyone with panic attacks who faints (or who has chest pain) should be examined by a physician.