Dear Dave love me

Dear Mr David William Donald Cameron,

Sup. How's it goin'? Good? Of course it is. Your children can afford to go to University.

I don't really understand politics, I admit. I don't understand how governments work, why we have to pay tax, and I also didn't understand why everyone hated you, David Cameron, becoming our new Prime Minister. Note 'didn't'. I totes get it now.

I remember hearing talks about Uni fees being scrapped altogether. Thank God! I thought, maybe I could now go to Uni without having to worry about my family's financial situation after forking out thousands of pounds for me to have a life. Because, let's be honest, Uni is the main path for teenagers now, and if you don't go then you can't do anything. You have to stay at home before being finally allowed to work in a dead end job.

Now after this plan obviously faded into space, never to be heard of again, things got worse during and after the recession when more and more students began applying for Universities because they simply had no choice. No work was available so they only option was to carry on in education for the sake of their families. Fabulous, I thought, competition. Every year places are becoming harder and rarer to snatch and it isn't helped by the sheer volume of students getting higher exams results each year than their predecessors. We're naturally becoming smarter. Alas! The recession has ended and the country's financial state is getting better. We have a new Prime Minister so therefore different ideas and new initiatives. Yes? What do you mean? Really? You're raising the prices of Uni fees? Oh right, okay.

....

RAISING the prices of Uni fees? You don't think the pricing cap of £3,290 is high enough? My Grandad, bless his heart, is saving his money to pay for my University fees. There is no hope in hell that he will be able to afford over £12,000 for me. £12,000! For University! I'd like to point out at this point, Daveo, that we come after you in the little plan of life. You're meant to inspire us and overall make us like you. Do you think we're gonna take to this news lightly? Oh what's another £9,000 on top of everything else we have to flash our minimal cash for, eh.

Now do enlighten me, Mr Camz, what do you exactly expect us to do if we don't have the money for University? If we can't get a job because we have no qualifications and we can't get into Uni because we have no money, what do we do? You encourage having dreams and life goals, but how are we meant to fulfil them? Are only the rich allowed to be successful now? Now I don't know if you've thought about this, but what you're doing seems a tad discriminating. You're leaving the working class families to just do what we can in life, and leaving 'you're type' to lead a fabulously dandy future. Talent is going to be WASTED because of you. There are going to be thousands of students left out, and those who have admirable determination to fork out the money are going to be left in huge debt and no doubt by the end of their course will have to wait years before it will seem worth it.

Don't mess with my future D Camz.

Lotsa love and kisses,

Louise Jones and the next generation. X

Fatso Silly Bits and Sneakypants told me to write this

I would like to share the draft of Chapter #5 in my new etiquette and self-help book, tentatively titled "Stop Buttering My Crumpet For Me, You Asshole."

Chapter 5: Thou Shalt Giveth Amusing Nicknames to People

There is nothing that people love more than being given a cute nickname. It means that they are "in the club." So go out of your way to bestow nicknames on everyone you meet. It will give them a charming touch that they would not have achieved in their current state of hiding in their attic. Imagine if someone had nicknamed God "Fatso," Jesus "Silly Bits," and the Virgin Mary "Sneakypants." These guys would have been totally popular. They do like the nicknames that I gave them, and for my witticisms I have received a goat, a ram (neutered), and a pie.

Here are my super-nice and therefore famous-making nicknames for some folks I have encountered in my gym, workplace, church (I don't attend church so this a lie, but I will explain in Chapter 7, Why Lies Are Nice), grocery store, and temple (I am not Jewish but I will explain in Chapter 12, How Faking Various Religious Affiliations Can Get One Free Sweets). The names:

T-Rexopolous
Stretch
Chawface
Sally Piddlepants
She Who Chews Soup
The Oompa-Loompa
Droopy Dawg
The Mushroom
That Miserable Wretch
The Tanned Lizard
Reptilicus Vaginicus
Me, Me, Me!
Snackus Adorous
Johnny Laid-a-Turd
Blinky
Stinky
Cockroach-i-ka!
The Eggy-Eyed Robotic Humanic Impersonation (EERHI!)
That Child Molester
Fat
Breath of Doom
Punkin Head

All these people were boring and bad before I gave them super-duper nicknames. Now they are better than bad! Their miserable fuckness-ess has been transmogrified into perfectitude. I want to write about each and every one of 'em. But I can't. I have had two martinis. Tomorrow, Johnny Laid-a-Turd and She Who Chews Soup, I will tell of the beautiful moments that gave you your beautiful names.