Insomnia – an Exercise in Frustration

Insomnia, or being unable to sleep at night, is one of the most frustrating things I have had to deal with.

Overwhelmed by fatigue and so sleepy that I could barely keep my eyes open, I would crawl into bed at a good hour, looking forward to a good night’s sleep. My mind was at peace, content, even empty of thought - yet I would lie there, awake, hour after hour. Sleep simply would not come.

As this continued, I began to crawl into bed in an anxious state of mind. I knew I desperately needed sleep but was worried it would not come. This tension made sleep even more evasive. My heart raced, my mind developed a habit of glancing about fearfully, which often trigged panic attacks.

As insomnia became more frequent, I tried to wait patiently for sleep to come. Yet as the hours continued to tick by I became more and more frustrated. My body was telling me that I needed sleep. I was so tired that I could not keep my eyes open, so why was I lying awake hour after hour? I would pray, beg, and plead with the Lord to give me sleep, quoting scriptures at Him, trying to convince Him to stretch out His hand or speak a word over me to put me to sleep. Then, after lying awake for five or six hours, frustration would blossom into rage. I lost count of how many times I shook my fist at the ceiling and said, “Jesus, why do you just sit there! Can’t you see that I need sleep? Why don’t you act? Don’t you care?”

As well as getting angry with God, I became enraged with my mind and body. What was wrong with them, couldn’t they see what they were doing to me? I was so tired and sleepy yet my useless, stupid mind simply would not shut off! It was as though my body conspired against me, and I hated it, I wrote in my diary.

Following these sessions of rage against God and myself, came anguish, repentence and guilt. I knew I should not react like this, but I needed sleep!

Eventually the insomnia became so bad that for five days I would fall asleep when the sun came up, and on the sixth, sleep would not come at all. On those days I felt robbed, cheated, betrayed. When I rose, I felt dirty and unclean. Then the cycle started again.

Finally, due to a number of factors, I fell into strong depression towards the end of 1989. Panic attacks afflicted me 24 hours a day, my mind never ceased to churn through terrifying fearful thoughts, and insomnia continued to afflict me.


Attitudes We Cannot Afford to Have Towards Insomnia

As you can see from what I have shared above, the ways I reacted to insomnia made it worse. These negative reactions of fearing or fighting it released negative adrenalin into my system, elevated my anxiety levels and made it harder to sleep. What a vicious cycle – insomnia begets tension and fatigue, which in turn make insomnia worse, which causes further tension and fatigue.

Here are some reactions we cannot afford to have towards insomnia:
1. going to bed fearful that we may not sleep
2. becoming frustrated when we cannot sleep
3. worrying how this lack of sleep will affect us tomorrow
4. letting the frustration boil over into rage


Helpful Attitudes Towards Insomnia

Here is a list of what reactions we need to have towards insomnia.

1. when we go to bed, be prepared to stay awake all night
2. be content to stay awake all night instead of getting frustrated or angry
3. recognize that resting contentedly all night in bed, even without sleeping, is still beneficial
4. if we don’t sleep tonight, there is always tomorrow night.


Some Things that May Help with Mild Insomnia

In my dealings with insomnia over the decades, I have learned a few tricks that can help alleviate mild insomnia.

1. a glass of hot milk, or a bowl of hot cereal, taken immediately before bed, can be helpful
2. if still awake two to three hours later, have another glass of hot milk or cereal
3. regular exercise is crucial. This may be going on brisk 30-45 minute walks three times a week, or doing aerobics, swimming, jogging, etc. Working out with light hand-weights several days a week also helps. (Small note - avoid the above types of exercise near bedtime!)
4. eat a good, balanced diet, with lots of fruit. Drink plenty of water
5. if you must have a nap during the day, make it a 15 minute power nap, no longer. Set an alarm.
6. listening to soothing or relaxing music immediately before going to bed can also be helpful.

Another point I would like to make is that we humans have a tendency to take on too many responsibilities and get involved with too many activities. Sometimes it is good to take a step back, sit at Christ’s feet and wait on Him, and then prayfully examine our life. Are we doing too much? Are there some aspects of our life that are placing us under pressure unnecessarily? Are there some things that we can quit or that can be put off until next year? Frantic, stressful lifestyles can cause insomnia or make it worse. I learned this lesson the hard way. (Twice…)


Severe Insomnia

If insomnia has become so bad that we cannot sleep night after night, (this is typical for those suffering from depression), seek medical assistance - we must not struggle through it by ourselves. A doctor can help determine insomnia’s causes (there are many different causes) and recommend medical treatment. For someone suffering from strong depression, sleep is a necessary part of the healing process. I am so glad that after three to four months of trying to cope with depression and insomnia on my own, I finally saw a doctor and went onto anti-depressant medication that included a mild tranquilizer. The combination of the medication and being able to sleep again were important factors in dulling depression’s effects, which helped me to concentrate on the task of recovery.

It was not until seventeen years after insomnia began to plague me that I discovered that I was suffering from complex partial epilepsy. This typically begins to become apparent in one’s late teens, and I believe this was the primary cause of the insomnia. (However, the way I reacted to it during the first few years made it much worse.)

I no longer take anti-depressant medication, only epilepsy anti-seizure meds. On most nights, I fall asleep easily, but several times a year I still have those sleepless nights. Instead of getting frustrated or angry, this is what I say to myself when it happens, “If I stay awake all night - that’s fine. I’ll make myself comfortable and snuggle up in the blankets. If I fall asleep eventually - great! If not, that’s fine too. Resting all night in bed is still beneficial.” I submit my mind to Christ, dwell in His peace and take refuge in His presence. I have learned to be content, whatever my circumstances, including those sleepless nights.

Philippians 4:12-13 ‘I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.’

Colossians 3:15 ‘Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.’

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Special thanks to a reader for reminding where to find this verse!)

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All verses from the NIV.

Themes of This Blog Seen In Newspaper Advice Columns – Part II

This is the second in series of posts showing how several of the issues I discuss in this blog show up in letters to newspaper advice columnists. Advice columnists must bring us problems that resonate with a fairly wide readership, and they therefore provide us with another source of information about human behavior and cultural trends.

I follow Jeanne Phillips (Dear Abby), Carolyn Hax, Amy Dickinson (Ask Amy), and Marcy Sugar & Kathy Mitchell (Annie’s Mailbox).

I will highlight each theme with a title preceding each letter to the columnist that I've reproduced, reflecting the blog subject that seems to be discussed. The title will also be a link to a related post. I am not including the columnist’s responses to the letters. 

"In relationships, if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got." ~ Amy Dickinson.

Whenever a family member has somewhat compulsively behaved in a certain manner for a very long time, and then decides to change, the change often does not go over well with the rest of the family. The others seem determined to force the changer to go back to his or her old ways. 

In this post, I am emphasizing the above process rather than the particular role described in these letters, which I have not previously discussed directly as a separate entity. In the following three letters, the writers all had served in various incarnations of the same role, and complain about the reactions of the rest of their families when circumstances changed. The role might be called the “family support person,” or in a more extreme form, the “family servant” or even “the enabler.”

6/7/13.  Dear Carolyn: I’ve always been the one in my family to give whenever possible. When I went to college, I took on student loans so my sister wouldn’t have to. A few years later, when her car died, I purchased a new one and gave her mine. When family needed help, I was always there. Now I’m trying to purchase a house, and no one seems the least bit interested in helping me. I swallowed my pride and asked for financial assistance, even if it was a “loan,” and was told tough toenails. Would it be wrong for me to cut my family out of my life? I feel as if I was the great son whenever I went out of my way to help, but now I’m just some annoyance. - Always the Giver

6/18/13. Dear Amy: I've spent most of my life being a support system for various friends and relatives through one crisis or another. I've always been proud of the fact that I'm someone they can rely on when they need to. Recently, I learned that I may have a debilitating disease for which there is no cure. No firm diagnosis has been reached, but at this point it doesn't look great. Since I received the last batch of test results, I have witnessed my friends and relatives pull away from me, dismiss my symptoms and change the subject if I bring it up. I understand that everyone has their own lives and problems, but I desperately need some support right now. — Lost

June 24, 2013.  Dear Annie: My husband and I both work 18-hour days at a hospital. When we get home, we are exhausted. Since our schedules are irregular, however, our siblings seem to think it means we are always available for free babysitting. My husband's sister (a stay-at-home mom) is forever dropping off her toddler, saying she needs to "de-stress." She never calls ahead. We've tried locking the door, but she has a key. My brother has dropped off his young sons multiple times without warning and with no indication of when he'd be back. He stopped when I told him I was going to start charging him $12.50 an hour.  

The last straw was when my oldest brother's wife arrived one weekend in a van with seven little girls and stated that these kids were staying overnight with us because she and her girlfriend were going to a spa. I was just getting off a 24-hour shift, and I told her politely that since she hadn't checked with me beforehand, she'd have to make other arrangements because I was too exhausted to care for her girls and those of her friend. She became angry and told my nieces that I don't love them. Her girlfriend, whom I had never met, screamed at me from the passenger window. After they left, I got nasty phone calls from my brother and parents. The friend sent me an itemized bill and asked that I reimburse her for the spa trip they missed. Instead of responding, my husband and I sent our family members an email outlining that we love them and our nieces and nephews, but we would no longer be available for babysitting unless it was an emergency. We apologized for being rude or for causing them any trouble. The email was much kinder and more polite than they deserved, but we hoped it would allow us to start over. It was not received well. Currently, the only person speaking to us is my father-in-law. We considered moving in order to have boundaries, but I resent being forced out of a house I love.  I miss my family. What can we do? — Not the Nanny

Your Spouse’s Secret Mission 

Wherein one’s spouse plays the villain to take the heat off a husband or wife who cannot stand up to his or her own family.

8/19/12. Dear Annie: My daughter-in-law tends to go to her family. She says she is uncomfortable with my son's side. She has been rude to us since she married my son, and she controls him. She threatens him if he does not do what she wants. My daughter had a fight with my daughter-in-law four years ago, and I just woke up to the fact that my daughter-in-law blames us for my daughter's actions. My husband and I tried therapy with my son and daughter-in-law, but it made things worse. I left, saying that I am not happy with either of them and I just want to see my grandchildren. My son said that if I don't continue with therapy, I won't see the kids again. They are using the children as weapons to control us. I told her she didn't like us from Day One. She told me she doesn't trust me. My new granddaughter had a baptism, and my daughter-in-law told us it was an occasion only for her family. We were insulted and hurt. I'm thinking of going to court and suing for grandparents' rights. — Trustworthy

Tag, you’re it 

Despite the protestations of heritability study authors across the universe, parents do not treat all of their children the same.

9/21/13.  Dear Annie: I'd like to add my two cents about whether parents treat their children the same. Mom, Sis and I live equidistant from one another. Sis still lives near the place where we grew up. Mom moved to a warmer climate. We call each other every weekend to catch up and stay in touch. Sis and I fly to visit Mom about once a year. Mom visits Sis and her family a few times a year. But despite the many invitations I have extended, she will not visit me. When I had heart surgery five years ago, Mom did not come. When I was hospitalized for pancreatitis, Mom did not come. Of the 25 stage plays I've appeared in, Mom came to see exactly one. She will never see the home my wife and I remodeled. It seems the things that are important to me don't matter much to her. I suppose there is a certain amount of validity in her excuse that there's nothing that interests her in my city, but when we visit our son and his family, we don't care whether there is anything to do. We are simply glad to be with them. Does Mom love me? Certainly. Does she love me as much as my sister? Probably. Does she treat us the same? Judge for yourself. — That's My Lot in Life

Cognitive Aspects of Language – conveyance of meaning

Phonemes and Morphemes

Consider this sentence: “The teacher praised the industrious student.” The sounds that we generate when saying this sentence must convey meaning in a constant manner so that listeners can understand our utterances. When we say the word “praised” the /p/ should not be mistaken for /b/. If /p/ is not properly pronounced the listener may hear: “The professor braised the industrious student.” The meaning of the sentence changes because the meaning of the word “braise” is ‘to cook in liquid’. /P/ and /B/ produce different sounds and different meanings in the above example.

Take another example: “He gave me a bill and asked to pay.” The words bill and pill have different meanings. If I don’t pronounce /b/ properly listener may hear “He gave me a pill and asked to pay.”  The words ‘bill’ and ‘pill’ have different meanings because they differ in their initial letters. There are two sound blocks in “pill”. These are /pi/ and /ill/. In the word “bill” also there are two sound blocks, viz. /bi/ and /ill/. The initial letters in both words are pronounced nearly identically. They differ only in that the vocal cords vibrate for /b/ but not for /p/. This difference, called voicing, is also seen between /s/ and /z/. You can feel the vibration of vocal cords when saying /z/ by placing fingers on the Adam’s apple.

The sound blocks in a word are called phonemes. The phonemes of a language are the building blocks of meaningful units called morphemes. The phonemes /pi/ and /ill/ combine together and form a morpheme /pill/. Like that /bi/ and /ill/ form the morpheme /bill/. In another example the phonemes /ki/ and /ill/ form the morpheme /kill/. In the given examples words themselves are morphemes. In longer words there may more than one morpheme. Prefixes and suffixes such as pre-, -es  and -ed are also morphemes. In the word ‘pills’ there are two morphemes, viz. /pill/ and /s/. The word kill convey the meaning that the action takes place at present. When we add the suffix –ed, which is another morpheme, to the morpheme kill the meaning changes. The word killed tells us that the action took place in the past.

Syntax

Another way of conveying meaning is observing certain rules of arranging words in a sentence or the grammatical rules. The rules that specify how words and other morphemes are arranged to yield acceptable sentences are called syntax. Consider the following three sentences:

1.      The scientist slept fitfully, dreaming new ideas.

2.      Fitfully the slept new, ideas dreaming scientist.

3.      The new ideas slept fitfully, dreaming a scientist.

The first is a sentence which conveys a meaning and is syntactically correct. The second one cannot be considered as a sentence because it violates syntactic rules. It is jumble of words. All of the elements of meaning are there, but they are without any order. So these words convey no meaning. The third assertion violates no syntactic rules, yet it fails to make any sense. Our mental representation of the noun “ideas” does not allow sleeping in any fashion, let alone to dream about scientist.

Functions of Language

The written or spoken language is embedded in a discourse community. Language is intended for and shaped by those who collectively listen, read, comprehend, interpret, and respond to our uses of language. Consider the following two utterances:

1.      It is hot in this room.

2.      Open the window!

The first sentence informs others about the how one feels about the room temperature. The second one commands someone to let cool air into the room. In a specific setting, the first sentence might be used to achieve the goal of the second in a polite way. Instead of commanding directly, one can achieve the same effect by merely informing someone standing next to window. This is called speech act. There are distinct kinds of speech acts. We command, inform, question, warn, thank, dare, request, and so on. These are the functions of language.

Cooperative Principle

When two people enter into a conversation, they enter into an implicit contractual agreement called cooperative principle. It means that the participants agree implicitly to say things that are appropriate to the conversation and to end the conversation at a mutually agreeable point. One may become aware of this implicit agreement when the participant stops conversation abruptly and uses misleading words. For example consider the following exchange:

Wilfred: Samson is going to New York with a woman.

Susan: Does his wife know about this?

Wilfred: Of course she does. The woman he is going with is his wife.

Here Wilfred misled Susan by failing to provide enough information in this use of the term “a woman.” Susan was forced to infer that the woman in question was someone other than Samson’s wife.